just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
