Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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