If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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