i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
