rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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