i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
