While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
