ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Pants are for mortals
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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