I wish I could teleport
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
