You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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