every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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