I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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