Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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