You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
