Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
