guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
