I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
