i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
