oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
