well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
