After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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