dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
