I think I just saw someone hide a body.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
