If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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