Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
