I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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