Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
