The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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