I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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