come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
