Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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