ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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