New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
