i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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