Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
