I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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