Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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