2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm gonna fight the coyote
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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