i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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