I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
