I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
