If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
