If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
