I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
