woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
