I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
