hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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