You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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