the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
