I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
