Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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