you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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